| Bad Beer - Bad Movie |
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"I've missed how a bad beer and bad movie go so well together."
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Take the following ingredients...
- Al Pacino
- Christopher Walken
- Lesbian hit woman
- The director of Beverly Hills Cop
- Italian Mobsters
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Mix them up, liberally throw in the F-Bomb and you get Gigli (rhymes with really (as in bad))
What! How could all those ingredients turn into something so horrible? That was the central
question asked during the triumphant return of Bad Beer - Bad Movie.
PLOT:
A few guests and I sat back and cracked open the bad beers consisting of such classics as
Schaffer's, Natty Light, PBR (so old they had dust). Upon putting the DVD in the player,
spirits where somewhat dampened by the lack of special features. Clicking play I was presented
with the choice of full screen or wide screen. Meghann shouted "Full Screen!" Nope this
baby had to be seen with the director's original vision, no pan and scan here! Quick plot
synopsis: Hit man (Gigli) kidnaps retarded brother of D.A. Lesbian hit woman joins Gigli to keep
an eye on him. They talk. They flirt (badly). They do it. Then they let the kid go. Why? Who
knows... It all just kinda happened. At the end they drive off into the sunset. Yah, that's it.
Thankfully the beer was so bad it took edge of perhaps the worst movie ever.
ACTING:
Ben Affleck really stretches his talent to the limit as an LA Hit man caught in a stupid movie.
Have you wondered why Ben's been spending all his time stumping for the Red Sox and John
Kerry? This movie probably has a lot to with it. Al Pacino (must have owed someone a
HUGE favor), looking eerily similar to Ron Silver, plays an Italian Mobster (shocking) that is
mad about something. Also owing a favor, Christopher Walken plays himself as some angry guy
that shows up a Gigli's apartment. A Screetch look alike plays the retarded kidnap victim,
all he wants to do is call Australia to get the weather (?!?!) and see Baywatch. He did
provide some of the best comedic moments in the film such as the time Gigli was reading the
back of a Tabasco sauce bottle and Richard yells out "Look! He's rubbing one out under the
covers." How did the Academy overlook this one? Finally we get the other half of Bennifer, J
Lo. She plays the dyke/hit woman who knows a few kung fu secrets and has a secret
taste for turkey. Bennifer's on-screen chemistry reminds me of my high school chemistry
projects: lots of smoke and bad odors. These two were America's sweethearts? Our poor country...
IMMORTAL DIALOG:
When you rent this classic of American cinema make sure you turn close captioning on.
Trust me on this one; you have to see some of this dialog in print to believe it.
- "You're the fuck, you stupid duck-fuck!"
- "She makes my penis sneeze."
- "It's turkey time! Gobble, gobble"
- "Because the mouth is the twin sister, the almost exact look-alike of what? Not the
toe. The mouth is the twin sister of ... the vagina. And all creatures big and small
seek the orifice, the opening, to be taken in, engulfed, to be squeezed, lovingly
crushed by what is truly the all-powerful, all-encompassing -- no, if it's design
you're concerned with, hidden meaning, symbolism, power ... forget the top of
Mount Everest, forget the bottom of the sea, the moon, the stars, there is no place
nowhere that has been the object of more ambitions, more battles than the sweet sacred
mystery between a womans legs that I am proud to call my pussy."
FINAL THOUGHTS
This one can't be watched alone, grab some friends, bad beer, a big screen TV, sit back
and watch the train wreck.
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