www.kirkgartside.com - Bad Beer

Bad Beer - Bad Movie

"There is nothing like a good beer, and this is nothing like a good beer."

It had been a long time since our last outing of Bad Beer-Bad Movie so while at lunch, with Liz Sprague, Rich and I decided it was as good a time as any for a new round of reviews. Liz mentioned that her hubby, Mark, was going to the casino that night and she was just dog sitting her parent's dog, Belle. "Hey Liz, why not join us for BBBM night tonight? Heck we'll go over your place so you can keep an eye on Belle". Of course she accepted, how can anyone turn down an offer like that? That's how we got our first two guest reviewers for Bad Beer Bad Movie. Since it went so well, we plan on having more of you out there join us in the near future.
Yeah, we got cheap and only went with one bad beer. What are ya gonna do, Sue us?
As Liz said:
"I laughed, I cried.....because these were really bad movies, but the sour taste they left in my mouth went nicely with the Piels Light! By the way, putting bad beer in frosty mugs does really make it taste a little less bad. There's nothing worse that bad WARM beer. You know these have to be bad movies if they are not even good enough to be released on DVD.

Python & Piels Light

Kirk: How can you go wrong with a giant snake movie with a cast that includes Billy Zabka (bad guy from the Karate Kid, Back to School and Just One of the Guys),

Yup Belle, BBBM is going to the dogs.

Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher from Star Trek), Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger), Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers), Casper Van Dien's bad mustache, his even worse Cajun accent, a Craig T. Nelson (Coach) look alike, Jenny McCarthy, a host of 'that guys', and a case of Piels Light ($12)? Unfortunately, The Piels was terrible, I've had water that tasted better. Thankfully Liz had frosted mugs (props to Lizzy) waiting, so the beer went down easier. Not only that, we had our own 'killer animal' to help review the movie (and no, I am not talking about Rich). The movie starts out with the Python breaking out of it's in-flight cage while being transported across the USA. Next we cut to two people having sex in the woods, in an odd twist it's two girls going at it(Unfortunately these lesbians are not of the lipstick variety). Gee I wonder what's going to happen next? Of course The Killer Monster (snake) finishes off the lesbians, I won't even go into the Freudian undertones on that one. We are then introduced to our heros hanging out at the local swimming hole. We get to see that Wesley Crusher, after leaving Star Fleet, has dyed his hair purple(which matches his girlfriend's bikini). Our main hero, John is a mountain biker that left Small Town USA to pursue his dream only to return and get back with his ex-girlfriend Kristin. While he was away, she had dated the deputy, Greg, played by none other than Bill Zabka (Yeeeaaah Johnny put him in a body bag!). This creates a bit of tension between the two. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as the snake starts to kill people everyone thinks that it was John. Many chases ensue and Our Heros wind up finishing off The Killer Monster (snake). The End. Nothing beats predictability...
BUT Python is nothing but unpredictable. As I mentioned, the two-people-having-sex-in-the-woods-that-are-going-to-be-killed are two women, a marked change for a bad movie. Casper Van Dien plays The Government Agent that wants to kill the snake 'at all costs'. But at the same time wants to minimize civilian casualties. The Evil Scientist is played by Freddy Krueger himself. You'd think that Freddy would be willing to do anything to save his snake <snicker> but it's not the case at all! These two characters are part of the stock 'Bad Guys' in B-Movies, and they rarely stray from 'the formula'. The Government Agent always tries to blow up The Killer Monster (snake) and doesn't care about who dies in the process. At the same time The Evil Scientist gets in the way to save his creation because "We could learn so much from it". Sadly, Wesley Crusher is killed deader than his acting career. There was such high hopes for him too. How all this fits together in a coherent movie? You'll have to rent and see.
MY PICK: A great example of nature gone awry that includes a stellar B-Cast with twists. Pick it up for good laugh on a rainy day.

Rich: What do you get when you mix Freddy Krueger, Gordy from Stand by Me, Jenny McCarthy, Casper Van Dien, Casper Van Dien's porn star quality mustache, Casper Van Dien's Costner-esque cajun accent, Johnny from the Karate Kid, and some gratuitous nudity? A bad movie. Throw in a 129 foot snake and you get a comically bad movie. 129 feet? That's a 43 yard field goal. What's the plot as if you couldn't guess? A group of local youths must save the town from a genetically engineered killer python. Sounds like an episode of Scooby Doo gone horribly wrong. The highlight of the movie was McCarthy getting decapitated by the python. I'm still wondering how the puddle jumper plane which the python broke a wall on while in flight got from southeast Asia to small town USA. I guess Boeing is making smaller airplanes these days. All this movie was missing was mullets. Piels Light was the beer of choice. Should have been called Piels extremely light. The foam was the only indication that it was beer.
MY PICK: I've never seen a killer animal movie I've disliked. A must see for all bad movie lovers.

Liz: What kept me going for Python was the constant popping up of recognizable actors and actresses. Throughout the whole movie I kept saying, I recognize that guy, what movie was he in???? Wil Wheaton, Robert Englund, Casper Van Dien (is that a southern accent?? who gives him acting lessons, Kevin Costner?), Jenny McCarthy to name a few (she hasn't done much lately huh?). Of course in all monster movies you have to have that gratuitous sex scene, but this one decided to put a little twist on it and have two women! Something that didn't thrill me but Kirk and Rich certainly enjoyed it. Of course they got killed right afterwards. Now you may notice that I haven't mentioned the snake yet. Yes, there was a large snake in the movie. How big was it??? 60 feet long? 100 feet long? 150 feet long? All I know is it was powerful enough to break open an airplane but limber enough to hide in a one car garage without disturbing any of the many cardboard boxes that it hid behind.
MY PICK: Don't rent this movie if you want to see a lot of monster gore because you won't, but if you want to see Wil Wheaton with Pink hair it's a hit!!

Belle: WOOF!
MY PICK: RRrrr!

Stone Cold & Piels Light

Kirk: Alas, the Piels didn't get any better with time. However, our choices of Bad Movies always seem to. After watching and enjoying Road House; Rich and I decided to take a closer look at that genre of movies. After all the late 80's early 90's had a host of mullet packed action films, the supply would be endless. The only problem was where to start. Since we are both big Sports fans, we thought of the Sports Star turned Action Hero (which normally doesn't work out). Somehow we came up with Stone Cold with The Boz! As an added bonus one of my favorite good-actor-in-some-bad-roles recieved second billing: Lance Henriksen (Aliens, Pumpkinhead, Near Dark to name a few). Let just say there was a lot of excitement when Rich told me he had procured a copy. After popping some popcorn all of us settled in (Belle fell asleep) and the movie rolled. From the opening scene (alas, no lesbians) we couldn't stop laughing. Boz had a wonderful bleach-blonde mullet that looked almost like a cockatiel's feathers. Not only that he wore these skin tight Guess jeans with rips in places that made me shudder. Most of the time he didn't button his shirt/vest/etc so his freshly waxed chest was there for all to see. To top it off, he wore a lime green bandanna that really accented his hair color. In the most horrifying scene he wandered around his apartment wearing nothing but a banana hammock. Thankfully, there was plenty of naked women to offset those previous scenes. Basically this movie is about Boz's character (Stone) infiltrating a renegade biker gang that is trying to kill the Attorney General of Alabama. Lots of violence ensues and there are naked women. That's about it. Boz can't act, Lance Henriksen does the best with what he is given, violence galore and there are lots of naked women.
MY PICK: A classic Bad Movie in the Road House sense. If laughing at Mullets, gratuitious nudity and violence are your thing, this is the movie for you.

Rich: Let's talk about mullets. Stone Cold, starring the immortal Brian Bosworth, contains the greatest mullet ever caught on film that wasn't in a porno, pro wrestling match, hockey game, or on the Spanish network. It was bleach blond and permed. No matter explosion Bosworth was involved in, the mullet stayed immaculate. Then there's the plot of this film. Bosworth must go undercover with Shooter McGavin in a biker gang to find out what they're up to. That qualifies as a comically bad plot. So it had a comically bad plot, a biker gang, mullets, Bosworth wearing a neon green bandana, and Bosworth wearing 80's style workout clothing including a white headband and Hammer pants. Some comically bad explosions occured as the plot unfolded. Anyone who rents this should be warned of the scene with Bosworth walking around in his banana hammock. The Piel's light and the plat made my eyes very heavy by the end of the film.
Some of you may be asking who is Brian Bosworth? He was a self promoting All-America linebacker at Oklahoma in the mid 80's. After being drafted by Seattle, his most memorable NFL play came on a Monday night game against the Raiders when Bo Jackson absolutely flattened him near the goal line to score a touchdown. A spatula was required to get Bosworth off the field. Seems his movie career paralleld his football career.
MY PICK: All that was missing was a monster truck. This joins Road House in the bad movie hall of fame. But it was no Road House.

Liz: I wasn't real excited when I saw this second choice for the BBBM movie, but then again it has to be bad. I'm not a big fan of seeing dirty bikers with beer guts walking around in tight leather clothes. This movie didn't have anyone famous in it except for the guy from Alien - Bishop. The flowing/feathered blond mullet of Brian Bosworth was hard to take. I know mullets were popular in the 80's but come-on, this movie was made in 1991, get over it!! And what's with the banana hammock shot???? Who is that supposed to be for? It's just not attractive and I know by the disgusted expressions coming from Rich and Kirk, they didn't appreciate it either.
MY PICK: I started falling asleep 3/4 way through the movie, it just didn't keep my attention. But maybe that's a side affect of the Piels Light??

Belle: She fell asleep.
MY PICK: ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz......