www.kirkgartside.com - Bad Beer

Bad Beer - Bad Movie

"A bad beer makes a bad movie that much more enjoyable."

"Earth vs. The Spider is due back on Monday and Shark Hunter has to be back on Thursday." Actually hearing the names of the movies Rich and I rented made me cringe with embarrassment. The kind of embarrassment that you get when your girlfriend sends you out to rent an adult video and the really hot girl behind the counter recognizes you from college (don't laugh, happened to me). Grabbing the movies along with the Kettle Popcorn we ran out of the store to Dunkin' Doughnuts in order to grab a snack and some coffee to counterbalance the bad beer we would be drinking. Manchester Discount Liquor provided us with half of our booze, the other half coming from a Bad Beer - Bad Movie night gone horribly awry (long story involving mullets and 80's bars). We were set to go!

Shark Hunter & Genesse Creame Ale

Kirk: It's gonna be a bad movie when you put the DVD in the player and the only option on the menu is 'Play Movie'. Rich and I exchanged glances and he muttered, "Oh, we're in for a good one." I agreed, unwrapped my bagel with butter and took a big bite. Not Good Times. It seems the young lady at the counter had put about 3 inches of cream cheese instead of a light coating of butter. I realize she had her mind on other things, after all she was having a big fight with her boyfriend (Ahhh, young love) there in the store. But how hard is it to remember butter? Does it sound like cream cheese? Anyway, I digress. So to wash away the awful taste in my mouth I open the Gennie Ale and take a big swig. Once again, Not good times. My stomach clenched like I had done a shot of Rumpleminz. What a terrible, terrible beer. Again I digress... The plot is simplicity itself. Kid's parents are killed by monster shark. Kid grows up to become a professor of marine biology. Kid builds research sub. Kid (with others) finds and hunts said monster shark. The kid is joined by Really Hot Blonde Research Assistant, Bad Industrialist of Interminate Ethnic Origin and Odd Accent, and the Militant Black Man that Doesn't Like Authority. Did I mention that the kid is a marine biologist (probably about 30 years old) that designs research subs in his spare time? Not just any research sub, but a hundred and fifty footer (with Torpedos to boot) that would have the Navy drooling. Having served in the Navy and been in the shipyard enviorment, there is a bit more to designing and building a submarine (Like teams of design engineers and years of planning and construction). In addition, a friend of mine (in his 30's) is a marine biology professor. He didn't finish school until his late 20's and (as far as I know) the only thing he built was his own beer. When did the kid had time to design and build a sub? Maybe it was his senior thesis project. So, off this motley crew goes to kill (or capture the shark). Big Fight. The End. That's the plot in a nutshell. A couple notes on this movie, NO ONE COULD ACT. Every time there was a stressful situation the actors got a painful look on their face like they were constipated. When the Kid or the Really Hot Blonde Research Assistant says something remotely scientific they put on glasses. Hmmm... That must make them look smarter. Terrible, Terrible. The dialog made Star Wars: Attack of the Clones look as if it had been written by Shakesphere. You have to hear it to believe it. I couldn't end this review without mentioning the shark. Comical (like all the special effects in this movie) is the first word that pops in my head. It had wrinkles and a grimace (they must be going for the curmudgeon look) whenever they did a close up. One would figure, after the sucess with Jaws, the less is often more when it comes to killer shark movies.
MY PICK: Perhaps you want to become and actor, or maybe even a director. If so, then rent this movie to see what NOT to do. A worthwhile choice for Bad Beer - Bad Movie.

Rich:You know a movie's bad when the DVD Menu only says "play movie." I love killer animal movies. They make great bad movies. I loved Deep Blue Sea. This was no Deep Blue Sea. This was the exchange during the first underwater scene:
Kirk: Are they underwater?
Rich: I don't think so.
Kirk: I think they are.
Rich: It looks like they're in outer space. Or maybe a smokestorm.
Gives you an idea of the budget this movie had. The shark was hysterical to see: It looked like a cross between Gene Keady and Albert Belle. Only in the movies can a 20-something year old build a submarine by himself and find the exact prehistoric shark that killed his parents 20 years earlier. But the acting was comically bad and this is the type of movie that is the foundation of bad beer bad movie night. Kirk and I were able to mock it the entire 94 minutes. Gennessee Cream Ale was the beer of choice for this flick. I looked liked I swallowed a cactus after the first swig. No one should drink this beer ever under any circumstance.
MY PICK: A slightly below average bad movie.

Earth vs. the Spider & Natural Light Ice

Kirk: I felt that this movie had the most potential for "Bad Movie" campiness of the two we rented. Boy, was I sorely mistaken. At least the DVD was chok full of special features (or so we thought). As the movie started I opened up the freshly popped Kettle Popcorn. YUK! What did they do, put sugar in it? Oy vey, it was God-Awful (portending the movie to come). The immortal Dan Akaroyd (who gained 200 lbs and must be shaving with an original Norelco electric razor) gets top billing as a down on his luck police detective, not named Joe Friday. The rest of the cast is a bunch of guys and girls that neither of us had ever heard of ( and probably won't again). The plot is pretty simple: Geeky Boy gets picked on. Geeky Boy has really hot neighbor, not named Mary Jane Watson. Geek Boy's fatherlike figure, not named Uncle Ben, is killed. Geeky Boy gets super-spider powers and goes to fight evil. They already made that movie this year, it was called Spider Man (which will NOT be appearing on "Bad Beer/Bad Movie"). In a twist, Geeky Boy slowly turns into a spider and becomes evil, trying to kill Not Mary Jane. The movie was bad, the beer was awful and the popcorn was gross, at least we could salvage some of the special features. Alas, it was not to be so... The 'Making of...' clip ran about 2 mintues and 20 seconds and consisted of how the effects guys made the bullets explode when the hit a person. Thats it. On the trailer section, I noticed 13 Ghosts and said "Hey, at least we can check out Shannon Elizabeth", and Rich hit play. Once again, the DVD screwed us. This 13 Ghosts trailer was from the original 1950's version of the movie, no Shannon Elizabeth, Not good times. The best part of this movie, the big band swing music that plays during the root menu on the DVD.
MY PICK: How do movies like this get funded? Who (besides Rich and I) would pay money to see something like this? Do yourself a favor and rent Spider Man instead.

Rich: This starred Dan Aykroyd. Whatever happened to Dan? He was a Blues Brother, he was a Ghostbuster, he traded places with Eddie Murphy. Now he's doing crap like this and making cameos in other Academy Award caliber films like Loser. Everyday I wish I could have the 90 minutes back I spent watching Loser. The same can be said for Earth vs. The Spider. All the comedy was in Gartside and I mocking Aykroyd. He looked like Tony Siragusa's long lost twin brother. In Earth vs. The Spider, the only winner was Blockbuster for getting my $4. The staple of college beer Natural Ice was the choice. I thought it was 1998 all over again. All that was missing was a bonfire, some mase, and a few dozen attack dogs.
MY PICK: Pure crap. Not Tin Cup bad, but pretty close.